i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
