My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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