Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
