why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
