Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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