The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
