The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
