I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
