I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
