it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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