I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
