Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
