Only a mothe r could love this liver
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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