Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
