16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
