Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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