just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
