we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
