Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I wish I only lived at night.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
