I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
