def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
