Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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