I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I want to be your penis for a week.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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