Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
