You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
