Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
