Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
