I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize