how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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