Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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