i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Randomize
