I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
