It was confusing and full of hummus
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
