Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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