Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
