i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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