he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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