you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
