census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
then he tried to convert me to islam
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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