i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
