i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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