i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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