there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Too much gin, very little bucket
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
