White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
