I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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