Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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