I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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