Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
