so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
