I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
