I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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