he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
