your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
