Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
