I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
