went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
