So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
