Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
