my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
