About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
