somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
