I accidentally had phone sex last night
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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