she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
