There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
